Hello Reclaimers,

To some degree, I think we all wrestle with being okay with who people are.

Someone says or does something that shows us an aspect of themselves that we didn't know about (or hadn't imagined in our fantasy version of them), and we wonder why they can't 'go back' to being the person we thought and assumed them to be 'in the beginning'.

Often it's as simple as feeling outraged, confused or hurt that someone isn't more 'like us'.

I've been that person that's like But... What the... It's not fair... The $£@!! cheek of them... I didn't do anything wrong for them to behave that way... If it were me, I'd... What's wrong with them?

It occurred to me recently that people have surely felt the same way about me 🤣🤣🤣

Like pretty much every guy I dated. They'd meet me one way, and as my people pleasing kicked into high gear and I experienced increasing anxiety about rejection and abandonment, they soon saw a far less confident version of me. And some, due to how much I'd put up with the unacceptable, got to see a pretty angry side of me.

The thing is, people don't have to be surprised by who we are, including our boundaries, if we allow ourselves to be more authentically us. They also won't get a watered-down or exploding, resentful, hurting version of us.

Of course, being more of who we are in the day-to-day of our lives is something that many humans find challenging.

In the current episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions podcast, I talk about why representing yourself--showing up, stepping up and speaking up for you are--is crucial. I also share quick and surprisingly simple ideas for doing more 'reps' of being yourself.

LISTEN TO THE EPISODE

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WORDS TO LIVE BY

You don’t have to change what you want just because someone else wants something different.

- Nat Lue

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ALSO ON THE PODCAST: The Trouble With the Not-That-Innocent Good Girl/Guy

It kinda-sorta makes sense to us when someone who doesn't care about being nice causes us harm. But what can be utterly baffling is experiencing problems with a Good Girl/Guy or when people automatically assume that they're innocent and that we're the one at fault. In episode #265, I talk about why a person's need to be perceived as 'good' can create problems for others.

LISTEN TO THE PODCAST

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ON THE BLOG: It’s Most Definitely Not Your Job to Make a Romantic Partner Commit

I talk about why internalising someone else's lack of ability or willingness to commit causes us to get hung up on the fear of them changing in future and giving what we didn't get to someone else.

READ MORE

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Em and I celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary on the 9th June with a five-day trip to Spain to celebrate a friend's 50th birthday. Here we are posing it up in the sunshine 🥰

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THIS WEEK'S READS & LISTENS

Instead of a book, I've got a few interesting links that feature great advice.

I was in the Washington Post last week talking about How to know if you’re a people-pleaser and what to do about it "Many people-pleasers see themselves as being 'kindhearted, good-natured, benevolent and all those things... And it’s not that we’re not. However, people-pleasers do what are often good things, but for the wrong reasons.”

​The case for fewer friends “Having 200 people say happy birthday to you online, that can create goodwill and a sense of belonging... It doesn’t really match the sense of ‘Things have gone really bad right now and I need somebody to listen and I know that they truly care about me.’ That’s something that’s very profound.”

​Resisting the Pressure to Overwork "Here’s a very basic law of psychology: When behaviors are reinforced, they increase. When you ignore them, you might see an 'extinction burst' — a short-term rise in the problematic behaviors — but then they will stop."

Until next time, take care of you,

Natalie x